Rocking my baby

Yesterday and most of last night, I had two songs running through my head. One was "Lord Move, or Move Me" by FFH, and the other was "Nearer My God to Thee," an old hymn. I am still having such a struggle with contentment. I have a strong desire for change, sometimes in career, but mostly in location. I pray about it all the time, especially in reference moving and to Keith's job, that the Lord would open up some opportunity for him to work in ministry, but it seems like it is a pretty shut door at the moment. So I have been praying so much this week for God to draw near to me and to change my desires if they don't align with His.

Keith read a verse to me the other day. It was Colossians 3:23 "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men," and he said that its possible that we have been looking at things the wrong way. He suggested that our desire to do "the Lord's work" and to be working in ministry somewhere, could actually be working for ourselves, our benefit, looking at our desires, instead of actually working for the Lord. It was a hard thing to hear, suggesting that I should look at the job and place I am at now as the place that God has put me to work at with all my heart and that He put me here, instead of at a ministry job, in order to please Him and accomplish His purpose. I suppose I really need an attitude check. Anyway, its hard.

So, last night, I rocked Colin to sleep. (Yes, I know, he is one year old and should be able to go down easily without being rocked, but I just enjoy it and there will be time for him to grow up and be a big boy later.) It is one of my favorite times to spend with him. He is usually calm and snuggly, and he is by no means a snuggly boy. I get to hold him, cuddle him, usually sing to him, and watch him fall asleep. I was doing this when suddenly it occured to me that this is a time I should also use to pray over him. I pray for him at other times, along with many other thinsg, but I thought this would be a perfect time to focus just on my little boy. So, I sang him some hymns (which I miss terribly) and prayed for him and his relationship with Jesus and his future life. It was a really sweet and special time with my son. I think every child needs time to be rocked and loved on by their parents. :)

Wednesday Blues

I am crabby today and don't feel like doing any school stuff. I assigned 5 detentions and took a cell phone in 2nd period alone. Now I should be grading and planning, but just don't feel like even being here. Do you ever have those days and then just sit at your desk and stare? Ugh. I think it is because I am so tired. I am still not sleeping well because my hip and back ache a bit at the end of the days.

Another reason I think I might feel crabby today is because I went to bed last night upset. Its the beginning of the month, which, of course, means it is also time to pay bills. Money stuff always gets me down. I dream of being independently wealthy and being able to spend long days at home taking care of my house and children. I dream being a perfect wife with time to cook and clean and make everything perfect for my husband, greeting him at the door in a cute dress in the evenings with dinner ready on the table. Instead, I work a 40 hour-a-week job and the house work is thrown to the side and dinner is rarely ready before 8 pm. We scrimp by on both of our pay checks and barely make ends meet getting everything paid.

In the back of my mind, I know I should be grateful to God for providing us good jobs, especially mine, which is close to home, has good hours (I get out at 2:45 pm every day) and that Colin's day care is right at my work. I know I should spend each day, and especially each pay period, thanking God for providing exactly what we need to make ends meet, that our needs and often our wants are continually taken care of. But, somehow, I keep finding that I am an ungrateful and selfish human. I want things that are out of my grasp and I get down and sometimes angry when I can touch those dreams. I guess I really need to pray more about being content.

I actually had my students write about this today. We are starting The Great Gatsby and I had my students journal about things that they desired, goals that they wanted to achieve, and things that they just plain wanted that were out of reach. They, surprisingly, didn't complain too much about writing this and had a lot to write. Most wrote over the half page minimum and most didn't want to share what they wrote. I was glad I picked something inspiring. Its not often that I can find things that really get 11th graders to want to write.

Well, I've been slowly writing this all day and it is now my second planning period and the end of the day. I suppose I should actually churn out some work before heading home.